Pieces of Me
by nlightnd
Summary: Alucard tries to force Seras to accept that her humanity will abandon her whether she consumes blood or not in the end he offers her a choice.  Which one will she choose?  Will she lose every last piece of herself or will she remain as always? AxS nonpair


Disclaimer: Hellsing and it's characters obviously don't belong to me nor am I making any financial gains from writing it.

Note: This is anime based, forget manga as I've never read it and don't know if I'll ever get around to it. This is rated T for language and consists of Alucard and Seras, though not as a pairing. This particular setting takes place after Incognito's defeat at the Tower of London and will pick up from there. This is a one-shot dealing with questions that Alucard and Seras have wanted to ask each other, but for some reason or another haven't.

Pieces of Me

by: nlightnd

Seras sighed softly, her crimson eyes gazing thoughtfully over the ruins of Hellsing. Destruction everywhere. Windows broken, chunks of the mansion lay scattered over various places on the lawn, not to mention the heli-pad completely ruined. So many dead, Walter imprisoned as well as Sir Integra, where to go now? Everyone familiar...gone. Just like that. And those who hadn't been killed at Hellsing died at the Tower. All. Gone.

Where had they gone wrong? They'd been doing God's work, eliminating the dead so why'd things turn out like this? Small fists clutched together tightly at her side, the white material on her hands irritating her. Tears flowed in thin streaks, red rivulets, falling down her cheeks, remembering the many soldiers who'd perished in the last few nights. Good men who'd never have the chance to see their dream realized because of stupid freaks like Luke and Jan Valentine and the traitor they'd hidden.

Smirking, Seras paused her moment of sorrow in knowing that Alucard disposed of the bastard who'd ratted them out; sold his soul. Alucard gleefully informed her that the man had died screaming and begging for his inconsequential life, only the vampire ignored him and took care of business. Speaking of her master she wondered where he was. Trouble was if you called or thought his name he'd come running. All sense of peace or calm obliterated in his wake and confusion would reign after he disappeared.

"You called...Police girl?"

The sarcastic disdain still in his voice, red coat billowing gently in the wind, he stared at his fledgling, an expression between sadness and dark glee balancing carefully in their depths. As always something bothered her, but more than usual this time.

"Weeping for dead mortals again, Police girl?" Making his disapproval known, he frowned while tsking. "When will you ever learn? They're mortals, they die." Using his hand and making a huge, wide sweep with it he said, "Why do you mourn them, or this? They will replace the dead soldiers, rebuild Hellsing, all you see now will be a horrible memory. They are nothing to us; never will be. Yes, all this will be replaced. None of it will matter in a short time."

Angered by his careless and cold generalizations of people she'd called team mates, worked closely with for months, she stated fiercely, "They will matter to me. I refuse to hand you what remains of my humanity and I'll be damned if I let you take it from me! I'd rather walk into the sun then hand it to you! And as for their being a distant memory, could you say the same for Sir Integra? Or would you callously discard her memory like all the rest? Walter? Someone you've fought side by side with for years...would you treat him the same?"

A black eyebrow arched at her insinuations and line of questioning. "Eventually, Police girl, they're all the same. After Integra dies I will once again be free to roam the Earth, do as I please with no one to stop me."

"I will."

"You, Police girl?" He laughed, his voice dubious of her boast, the cold sound wrapping around his fledgling causing shivers along her skin. "Are you frightened?"

She shook her head denying his accusation. "No, but I swear I'd do what I could to stop you from being an evil pain in the ass!" Her eyes widened as he instantly crossed the distance between them his large hand around her throat; squeezing hard.

Red eyes glowed, burned, the bottomless depths churned with fury. "You dare defy me?" Seething, he threw her to the ground, his boot resting across her abdomen as he fumed. "I made you, gave you my blood after deeming you worthy, and this is how you repay me?"

"I wasn't worthy", she ground out between white teeth, "your guilt at murdering me induced you to ask, nothing more. So don't try and bullshit me with any of that 'I found you worthy' crap!" Grasping his boot she shoved it from her stomach, sat up and watched him through narrowed eyes. "If I'd truly known what was required to be like you..."

"What", he returned, "you'd never have accepted? Then why did you?" Alucard quickly felt the last vestiges of control escaping. Never had a fledgling been so openly disrespectful or disobedient. Never in the long centuries of his life had he crossed someone so ungrateful! For a moment he actually wished he could go back and rescind the offer, but then he'd have no one to tease and torment, or leave his legacy to when he died.

Standing shakily to her feet, she fired back, "I was dying, Master! What the hell was I supposed to do? I wasn't ready to die yet and it seemed to be your fault I was in that predicament in the first place. What did you honestly expect? For me to go quietly into the night, silenced forever because I wanted so badly to live, yet afraid to speak?" Her eyes, wide, furious and confused, she asked, "Since we're so hot on the subject of that night...why did you turn me? Why couldn't you have left well enough alone? But instead you changed my life forever, where I can never return! All I have is you and there'll never truly be room in my life for anyone else! You certainly made sure of that!"

His gaze staring uncertainly at the young, emotionally tumultuous fledgling, his voice calmer as he stated, "Sometimes I don't recall the reason I turned you. But I felt I had to offer you the chance to live, though you'd be forced to do it in a different light. As the priest held you there, I knew without doubts or reservations that I'd sacrifice you to kill him, whatever it took. Therefore, since I destroyed your chance of life, I felt obligated to give you another. That and I thought it might be interesting to have you around for a time."

"You thought it'd be interesting? And you knew the entire time...you were going to kill me?"

"Yes, before I entered the chapel, I knew. That mockery of a vampire, trash not fit to be classified the same as I..was only awaiting his executioner and you so happened to get caught in the middle. You, my ignorant Police girl were a bonus. Your blood called out to both of us, the priest and I. It's pounding rhythm and sweet fragrance beckoned, only I wasn't about to fall prey to it's call."

"You did. Before you bit me you leaned down in the remaining candlelight and licked a trace of blood from the side of my mouth. So it seems to me you fell to its siren-like call, didn't you? And what prevented you from draining me dry?" Her eyes flashed triumphantly as her questioning seemed to trap him within his own words.

"Please", he snorted, "I'm not some foolish little fledgling who possesses no control. I merely stopped myself as your heart grew fainter, ready to cease its movement. I know exactly what I'm doing when I do it. At least I don't choose to starve myself", he added pointedly.

"You don't understand how I feel", she protested. "You never have and you never will. You'll always be the cold, detached creature I met on the worst night of my life!"

Sneering, he snapped, "Cut the dramatics, Seras!" Towering over her petite figure he thought he might frighten sense back into her, but it seemed things were well past that point. "I understand how you feel."

"How could you? A monster like you who lives for killing? You've never been in my shoes...I've lost my life and I'm afraid to lose what's left." Her quiet statement gave him further insight into tonight's whine session.

"Oh, so that's it, is it? We've come back to that again, have we?" His smile darkened. Shadows surrounded them, and she realized too late that he'd never let her leave. His shadows kept her caged and would always be thus.

"What are you talking about, Alucard?"

The vampire erupted in gleeful, maniacal laughter. As his fit subsided he asked, "Feeling brave enough to use my name, Police girl?"

"And what if I do...Alucard? What of it?" Seras openly defied and challenged him with her tone.

He laughed again, excitement lacing his voice as she fought back. "That's it...creep from your shell, from your timidity, give rise to the potential I saw back then. Shed your humanity, drink your fill, become a vampire without equal, Seras. Obey me and there shall be none, other than I, who can stand against you. You are of my blood. And no creature alive- today can boast such a claim."

"That's just it, my master, my humanity. I don't want to shed it or lose it. Why force me to?"

Crossing his arms, he darkly replied, "It's what holds you back from greatness, from being the creature you were meant to be. Your humanity doesn't define you. Your actions, Police girl are what determines the kind of person or vampire you are. Starving yourself does nothing but make you weak, make me angry, and causes nothing but avoidable confrontation."

Basking in the moon's soft light, the breeze stirring portions of his dark hair, lifting them from under his red hat, he suddenly surprised her by moving forward; trapping her as he held her upper arms.

"Why must we always come to this, Police girl? If you'd do what you're told and drink the blood the two of us wouldn't have these issues. Forget your humanity. It'll abandon you within the first two or three centuries, so save yourself the trouble. I say this only for your good." His voice softened, although his eyes remained hard, fastened to her rebelling body.

"I can't forget my humanity, master. I feel like every time I drink...my humanity fades. And it will continue to fade until it's nonexistent." Her sorrowful gaze looked directly into her master's eyes. "Between you and drinking blood it feels like pieces of me, of who I am, are being torn from me, forcefully, whether I want them to be or not. I can't lose who I am, master. This is all I know, all I know how to be."

The ancient vampire's expression scoured Seras' for information. "Truth be told, Police girl, I don't believe you'd ever lose your humanity, or feel it diminish, no matter how often you consume blood." His eyes grew angry, his mouth twisted in bitterness, "I believe that I may have been wrong about you. I once saw greatness in you, a fierce soul who refused to give up and die. But I truly may have been wrong in that estimation of you. Was I?"

She stayed silent. Shocked by his words she could find none to fit his question and statements. Her hands still curled up tightly relaxed as she stared at the ground.

"Listen carefully", he said, "I'll only offer this one time and one time only, am I clear? So if you're listening well nod once. One side of his mouth curled as she nodded. "Very well. If you are so miserable and unsatisfied with life at Hellsing, and with me, then I will relieve you of your burden, if you so wish. However, if you do not want your vampire life to end then things will change. You will drink blood as is required, never wasting it again, I will train you in use and mastery of your acquired powers, however, you will never again mention being unhappy to the point of being eliminated. Is that clear?"

"Very." Her voice formerly brash with anger dropped to a whisper. She stared at him perplexed by the vampire before her. Just when she thought she had him figured out...he turned the tables and he was still nothing but an enigma, a puzzle who's answer constantly changed.

"The choice is yours, Seras. Continue to live, destroy those who would kill us and those we're ordered to protect, or die by my hand. Those are your options, no either or involved. I'll give you three days to decide. Police girl, after the sun sets on the third day you are to meet me, here, with your answer. Do not make me seek you out and hunt you down. There'll be hell to pay should you do so. Three days...Seras." With that said, he faded away his words ringing in her mind and on the wind.

What now, she thought. How would she answer him three days from now? Could she bear to drink blood without complaint knowing it was tearing her soul and humanity away from her? Seras didn't care what he said, what he believed. She believed it tore what little of her remaining humanity to shreds, leaving her soul in disconnected, broken pieces.

Walking towards the horizon, she wondered if she had the nerve to go through with it. At least then she could say she died by her own hand, her time, her way. Or was she cowardly enough to seek out shelter and await her master's return? For the time being, she kept on walking, testing her theory to see if she was strong enough to meet the sun's rays. Escape his torment and mental teasing...never to endure his lectures, taunting, forced feedings, yet he'd kept her alive. Why?

Feeling the first of the rays overcome the shadowed horizon she mused, Well, it's now or never.

A/N: Well, that was the end of this little oneshot. Are you guys surprised I wrote an Alucard and Seras fic without the romance stuff? I just felt like doing a little something different and I hope that none of you are ready to roast me over coals for this story, or the ending.


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